As if We Could Pretend it Never Hurt
by KennysDeadButSoAmI
Summary: Because, really, when didn't it hurt to be alone? When wasn't he mentally tortured in bed at night? A story of obsession and unresolved conflict. SLASH. RL/SB
1. Just So Fucking Unhappy

**A/N-** Hi there! I started this story almost four years ago, but just recently someone new subscribed and the email I received reminded me that I'd like to edit and finish this story. I've edited this 'Just so fucking unhappy' so far, and am currently working on the rest. I've submitted this as a new story, or else it would be impossible for new readers to find. Unfortunately this means all of the reviews are gone and anyone subscribing to just the story won't be updated; however, I look forward to hearing from new readers. If you have any suggestions or notice any errors feel free to write a review or send me message. Thanks for reading!

**Disclaimer-**I don't own Harry Potter. Also, there's slash.

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><p>Sirius Black stretched and yawned. After two weeks' worth of insomnia he didn't feel well. Obviously, he crashed every now and then for fourteen hours or so, but always on the wrong days, the wrong times. He rearranged the books on his desk and examined the parchment in front of him. He was well past a first attempt at concentration; he could expect his head to keep hurting and his eyes to keep watering. Teachers didn't expect anything anymore, either. It'd shock him how much better they knew him than he did. He sighed, rubbed his aching temples, and ran his fingers through his hair. He wanted to get away- from this desk, this, room, himself. It's just the way he was these days.<p>

After another agonizing thirty-five minutes, Sirius collected his things and decided to make his way back to the Common Room. History of Magic had been his last class that day. James was already at his side complaining: the class had been boring, he was hungry, he wanted to mess with Severus Snape. Of course he did... nothing ever really changed.

"I'm going to get a head start on that essay. Two feet long, can you believe it?" Sirius responded, almost automatically, and although the idea was different, the words didn't sound strange coming from his mouth. He had a way of being able to say the most ridiculous things (deciding against procrastination not exactly being one of them) without sounding irrational or out of the ordinary. It made things easier for him, especially since as of the last few weeks he had been taking off a lot for the same reason although using different excuses.

"Probably a smart move, I'll come with you mate," James gave a serious nod. "I really think I got a 'T' on that last paper. Do you know where Remus was today? He wasn't in class, so we should catch him up and then maybe he could help us."

"I don't think that's a good idea..." Sirius said and trailed off, lost in thought. When James looked at him, puzzled, Sirius continued, "If he was in no state to attend class then I doubt he'd be up to writing our history papers."

"Ah, you're right. I'm starving... do you think I could call it a miss this time? If Remus isn't there I think I'll be completely clueless as to what to write about, anyway."

Sirius was quick to agree, "Yeah, you can glance at mine once I'm done. Later, mate." And as James turned to leave Sirius let out a sigh and pressed his eyes tight. He wanted nothing more than to be alone.

Sirius Black had no intention of sleeping, jerking off, or getting high. He also was not a secret introvert. The boy had sunken into a sort of depression ever since... well, since exactly two weeks and six days ago. He didn't anticipate or even enjoy the time he spent without other people. He was just so fucking unhappy, and he refused to break down or share his misery with others. It was draining to act all the time. Not only did he not want a reputation as a whiny, emotional kid, but he genuinely did not want to burden his friends with his new, pessimistic, philosophies on life.

The hooded teen uttered the password to the Gryffindor Common Room and made his way inside. As expected, the space was mostly empty; only a few students were scattered here and there. Sirius climbed upstairs and entered the sixth year boys' room.

Remus Lupin was lying on his bed. Although Sirius had noticed the boy's absence in class, for some strange reason this was not something he had anticipated. He stopped in his tracks. Sirius considered leaving but after realizing that he had nowhere to go and that Lupin's eyes were closed, he didn't. He remembered there had been a time when Remus' presence had not meant a potential panic attack. After taking a deep breath, he removed his sneakers, put down his things, and went to the boys' restroom.

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><p>"It's not supposed to be like this," Remus whispered to himself. He wondered how Sirius had grown to hate him so much. He was not much more aesthetically displeasing than he had been a month ago... how could a mere glance in his direction seemingly now repulse Sirius Black?<p>

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><p>In the other room, no one was disgusted with the former boy.<p>

Sirius didn't cry. He hoped himself to be past crying without an immediate cause. He wasn't sad- he was _miserable_. He wondered how he could have ever laughed at tears or anguish. He wondered if he'd have laughed at another kid in his position. Likely. And, because of it, he made up for it with a hate he had not for Lupin, but himself.

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><p>"You asleep, mate?'<p>

"Sirius?"

He kept his eyes shut. He wondered why he hurt so much, but then it came back to him like it always did. He always woke up in pain.  
>Sirius opened his eyes, but he responded only by giving both Peter and James quick glances of eye contact.<p>

"Bloody hell... are you alright?"

"I'm fine James, really. What time is it?" asked Sirius. He didn't care about the time. Not really. But he needed to get the attention off of himself. He could expect to look horrible. He always did and he'd started to wonder why his friends had only just started to notice. His eyes were always red and he looked rough without shaving. His hair was worse than James' nowadays. How could it take three weeks for his friends to notice that he was a total train wreck?

Probably, they had noticed. Probably, they noticed even though he was never around. Maybe all of the avoidance only stopped them from confronting him, not noticing that something was wrong.

"Pete," asked James.

"Uh, it's two," offered Peter. "Two in the afternoon."

"Why'd you wake me?" He knew why.

"Padfoot, _hell_ you've slept at least nineteen hours. We didn't know-"

"Sorry," he said, scrambling to get up. He threw on his robes and gave the boys a grin. "But, my dear Marauders, I must be off. Gotta talk with Moony. Forgot to ask 'im something."


	2. Sleeplessness and Guilt

**Author's note: **short update, I'll probably put out another one later today. Enjoy!

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><p>Of course Sirius had no intention of speaking with Remus Lupin. But it looked good, did it not? Padfoot rushing off to tell dear Moony something important.<p>

As if they were talking anymore.

But fuck, who cares if it looks good or not? Did it even matter, really? It didn't feel okay. At the end of the day, when he turned off the lights and closed his eyes- did it make a difference if he was happy or not? Not everyone has to enjoy their pointless lives, he reasoned. I'm going to die someday. It won't matter then... and it doesn't matter now.

But the thing was, Sirius Black couldn't shut off the lights and retire when the stars shone and the sky became dark. He couldn't sleep at night, not ever. He spent the entire night with his eyes shut tight and his mind running wild. These were the times he thought the most; these were the times he hurt the most.

He tried sleeping potions, and for a while, they worked. He'd get three or four hours. Not waking up rested wasn't really a problem- it was okay. The hours that he wasn't awake in bed for were the best. It was like an escape.

But that was when the nightmares started. It seemed the potions were having a negative effect on his brain. They forced his distressed brain to shut down, but it couldn't, not really. He woke up drenched in sweat, breathing hard. Sometimes he yelled, screamed, or even cried.

And he couldn't have that. It's not as though Sirius really remembered the dreams. There were no vivid, painful images imprinted in his mind. The sleep didn't feel good, it just felt better than the hours he had spent wide awake...

He just didn't want anybody to know. Of course something is very wrong when a sixteen year old boy is crying and panicking in his sleep. Not only was he deathly afraid of looking or feeling vulnerable and pathetic in front of the kids his age, but that wasn't quite it. It's not as if he'd never been embarrassed or ashamed before.

He just couldn't bear to burden his friends.

That sounds quite altruistic, does it not? Sirius couldn't interpret it that way. Since when had he been selfless? Since when had he put others first? He just figured he didn't want to burden them, as it could lead to the loss of his best friends. Egoistic Sirius didn't want to be abandoned.

Sirius Black couldn't cope alone. Well... he was alone, but having to come to terms with the fact that nobody was there would be too much. Black thrived on denial. He ate and breathed it every day.

"Sirius," came a voice from the other side of the room, breaking his train of thought. And it was the wrong one, the last one he wanted to hear. The voice said his name with tedium, as if it had repeated it umpteen times. It probably had. Sirius was out of it; he was lost in thought and pitying himself. "...Padfoot?"

"Oh. Hey, Lupin," said Sirius after facing the boy. Pathetic. He couldn't even say his name anymore.

"I- well, James said you were looking for me. Dunno, really, I told him it wasn't likely. You weren't, were you?" said Remus. He didn't look well, but he looked like he always did. Not worse than Sirius... actually, maybe worse than Sirius, just not worse than Sirius felt. A full moon approaching? Probably. There was always a full moon, wasn't there?

"Nah... I wasn't, Moony," he said. He couldn't tell him it was an excuse to escape his friends. He couldn't even look him in the eye.

"Mate, you've got to talk to us. I know you're pissed off all the time, but isolating yourself hasn't helped, has it? James _has _noticed, you know."

"You know what? I fucking do know. You don't fucking get it. Really, you don't. And in not knowing how I feel you can pretend shit's okay. It isn't. You're wrong," Sirius said. He could have sounded threatening with such harsh words... but he didn't. His voice was sick and tired, just like him. "Can't you leave me alone? I can't even look at you. James and Pete don't know me at all. You don't know me at all. And, quite frankly, I don't want you to."

"Sirius," said Remus. His eyes were pleading, but Sirius couldn't see. He wasn't looking. "You're going to fuck yourself over. Self-fulfilling prophecy. You already know how goddamn sorry I am about everything. You're telling me you're misunderstood, and you're telling me you're okay with that. You're not okay." And he turned away. He left, and Sirius watched.

He felt guilty immediately of course. He always did.


	3. Impulsivity and Arousal

**Author's note: **another short update, as promised. Write me a review if you're enjoying it or if you have any suggestions!

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><p><strong><strong>The past

_He hadn't been thinking. Did he ever used to think? He acted on impulse._

Sirius Black _was_ impulse.

At least, Sirius Black used to be impulsive. And one night, cockily of course, he'd acted impulsively. This time, the consequences weren't detention. This time, impulsivity wasn't okay. It can be, but not always when you've got romantic feelings for another guy.

He'd denied them at first, as you could imagine. _I'm not gay_, he had told himself predictably. But he was, and really, he'd known it. It was the first time he hated himself; it was the first time he'd fought with himself.

It was the first time he'd understood himself.

But he didn't understand. All he actually knew is that Remus Lupin, undeniably, made his dick hard. But nothing is undeniable, so he denied it. _I'm going through puberty_, he told himself. _I'm just confused. Lots of guys go through this. __It's annoying... but random. Not homosexual._

Gradually though, a year or two later, he wanted to touch him. He wanted to hold him. He wanted to dominate him. He wanted to make Remus' world. He wanted to love him.

_He wanted to fuck him._

Sirius should have learned early on in life that you can't always get what you want. But no, another typical case of denial was manifesting itself. Black looked at himself in the mirror and knew that anyone who looked like he did could have anything and anyone they ever wanted. His raven black hair clashed beautifully with his deep, blue eyes. His blue eyes said everything, but gave away nothing. Sirius remembered smiling. Remus was going to love him one day.

So he took the chance that night. And really, he hadn't thought of it as a chance.

"You look fucking gorgeous, Remus," Sirius said. He didn't really hesitate. For about a week he'd laid it on thick. Touching him when he could. Complimenting his looks, his smell, and his intelligence. Remus Lupin had taken it in stride. Maybe he liked the attention or maybe he was acting.

Remus had never dated anyone. He said it was because he was _too dangerous,_ but Sirius pretended he saw through it. _No one's felt the way I do about him_, he reasoned. _No one knows him like I do._

And the moment was right. It could have been a movie scene.

They'd been alone on Sirius' bed. Just sitting, talking, enjoying one another's company. Their major height difference didn't matter anymore. They heard voices downstairs, and Sirius swallowed the adrenaline. It felt right, _was _right.

The eye contact was made, and for so long. The agonizing silence. Remus' scruffy, yet perfect, brown hair. His soulful, heartbreaking blue eyes. The way he bit his chapped lips with straight, white teeth.

Sirius wasn't worried. He'd never had his heart broken. And in all narcissism, he told himself that no one would dare. Not even the boy who, right now, looked like he'd never been more terrified, could hurt him.

Black leaned in for the kiss; oh yes, he had the nerve.

Black gently raised his right hand towards Lupin's cheek. Lupin sort of moved his head awkwardly toward the other boy, but when their lips met he didn't do anything and after maybe two seconds, he pulled away. Sirius pulled his hand away.

Any other human being would have been hit with a feeling of regret and dread... but somehow, Sirius expected what came next.

"I- I'm sorry... I've not, never- actually- before, you know-"

Sirius smiled.

Because somehow, the insecurity and embarrassment in Remus' voice sounded _so _good.

His fingers reached for Remus' chin and pulled his face toward his own. Lips met and kissed hard. Remus didn't pull away this time.

And Sirius Black could fucking fly.

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><p><span>The present<span>

The memory made his head hurt now. It played through his head: the way it had felt... Remus' hesitation... that goddamn painful naivety.

Sirius' eyes stung and he rolled over in his bed. He wanted to smash his own face in. He wanted to take every ounce of anger and frustration he'd ever felt out on himself. He shut his eyes tight and wrapped himself in his own arms. Sirius' mind refused to stop enjoying and hating the memory.

And yet, after all that had taken place, after every tear he had ever shed, Sirius' cock had never been so hard.


	4. Obsession and Regret

**Author's Note**: Hope everyone's tolerating (enjoying?) the holidays. Write me a review when you get a spare moment to let me know what you think so far. I should get another update out tomorrow night if I have time. **For the following chapter**: I hope it's clear that these things have already happened. Sirius is just allowing them to play through his mind in order to inform the reader. It is supposed to be mildly confusing and not chronological from the previous chapter. Enjoy!

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><p><span>The present<span>

Sirius wasn't sure when it had turned into obsession.

Because, really, there's a fine line between _obsession _and _being in love_.

But they both result in hurt. They result in hate.

Anguish.

And the worst part is that, even when it was over, he was still obsessed. And yeah, it hurt, but Sirius sort of needed it to. It was obsession and addiction of the worst kind: to another person. And what do you do to overcome the addiction? Probably not midnight make outs and whispers of a better life. Probably not getting off to the fantasy of banging Remus Lupin.

_Probably not._

The worst thing about being obsessed with someone is when you can't have them, all because they don't want you.

Sirius never really learned that no means no. His parents had never been there for him. Every little kid throws tantrums, and when Sirius had freaked out he either got what he wanted or he got hit. His parents hadn't known what to do.

They didn't care and it had taken its toll on this angry, wildly unhappy, young man.

These days, weeks after the accident, he was paying for it in blood, tears, headaches, and heartache. Black was an incredibly attractive, intelligent and interesting individual, but he had absolutely no pain tolerance. He couldn't take it. He'd never hurt before. He'd screwed up before, many times, but not like this.

Hell, he didn't even know why his subconscious was referring to what had happened as an _accident._

It wasn't, not really.

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><p><span>The past<span>

Sirius Black had come to the Common Room in an inebriated state that night. He'd been drinking alone as an attempt to build up the courage for what he was about to do. And now, in his mind, he tried to exaggerate how drunk he'd been. He told himself that he wasn't in control, but the Sirius who would tell you that, isn't exactly honest or trustworthy. Ask him now and he'll tell you that alcohol and obsession should never fucking mix, not ever.

"Moony," he whispered, and the boy sat up in bed. He hadn't been sleeping; he'd been waiting for Sirius.

Well, that's what Sirius had told himself.

Remus didn't say a word. He just looked at him. Sirius walked over to his bed, _strutted,_ in fact, and sat on the edge of it. After coming to the realization that neither Peter, nor James, were there that night, he got excited. He grinned at Remus and sat a little closer.

"They aren't here," muttered Remus, entirely to himself. Sirius misinterpreted this as a mutual understanding of the opportunity they had that night. Nothing in his mind could be agreed upon now, except for Remus having looked very uncomfortable. Sirius wondered now if the fact his friend was unhappy had even _registered_ in his brain. He'd known something was wrong, but he couldn't grasp it.

Black touched Lupin's face. His cheeks were lightly stubbled and his eyes pained and pleading. He said nothing in regard to Sirius' action.

Sirius kissed Remus' warm lips. He ran his fingers through his brown hair. He pulled away and smirked, noticing a bulge similar to his own in Remus' black sweat pants.

_Maybe it had been his imagination._

Sirius pulled off his own shirt, exposing a tight stomach and thick, strong arms and shoulders. He glanced at Remus' swollen lips and sad eyes, but hell, he ignored it again.

He pulled off his own and Remus' pants and he never even realized.

He never realized that he wasn't kissing back.

Sirius slid his right hand down the back of Remus' boxers. The boy whimpered and shifted uncomfortably. He glared now, but Sirius wasn't paying attention.

"Oh god, I love you Remus," seduced Sirius. He touched the other boy's stomach, narrow hips...

"No- you can't- just fucking stop. Please."

And he didn't even listen. He stroked Remus' member. He pressed his lips against his neck and sucked until he marked him.

Possessiveness at its finest.

"I was serious, Sirius. Fuck you."

And he was out cold.

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><p><span>The following day<span>

Sirius Black had woken up in his own bed that day. He'd been concussed and no one had bothered to wake him up every two hours. You know why they do that? To make sure whoever had the concussion _doesn't die_.

But it's not what hurt. Guilt, he felt guilty... why?

He couldn't place it. What had happened last night? He had come to the Gyffindor tower wasted.

Sirius Black tried to seduce Remus Lupin.

But there was no sexual satisfaction and no Remus by his side. There was only guilt and blue balls, and for good reason.

But what was the reason?


	5. Heartache

**A/N**: This one's short and uneventful. Sorry. The next two are the exact opposite. Stay tuned!_  
><em>

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><p><span>The present<span>

He wanted the hour to end, the day to end, and his life to end. It was as if his faltering throat and burning eyes were constant, and maybe they were. Sirius felt as if it was all he could do not to yell and hurt and thrash and cry. He had no energy and yet his being was crying out in protest every time he let himself think for too long. He had a difficult time identifying what this was he was feeling, but even if he had it wouldn't have made a difference.

_Heartache._

Days that had been exciting, filled with laughing and anticipation, were gone. They had become empty and pain-filled.

Sometimes, Sirius thought of suicide. He couldn't stand himself when the thoughts lingered, but somehow along the way, during this mess with Remus, his life had lost its meaning. The pain of rejection had left him pondering his purpose.

Believe it or not, Sirius Black had a wild imagination. He could do anything and it would work too, with only one problem. He wasn't sure if he wanted the hurting to stop. He wasn't sure if he could bear to leave his heartbreaker behind. He wasn't sure.

The dark-haired boy wandered into the boys' restroom and stood in front of the mirror. He ran his fingers through his hair and stared into his own blue-grey eyes intently.

"I can do anything," he said childishly. He smiled widely, and he looked happy. He winked at his reflection, holding its gaze, and then sighed.

"Fuck it."

He ran his fingers across the cool metal of the tap, before running cold water. He allowed it to fill his cupped hands and he threw it into his face.

"Wake up you stupid fucker," he swore at himself. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

He abruptly turned to leave, failing to slam the door behind him loudly enough. He hated himself for being so angry. At Remus especially- all he wanted was to hold onto him and apologize endlessly. He wanted to say none of it mattered. He wanted to never let go.

Instead he quite predictably went back to his bed in sixth year boys' room. Nobody was there.

He couldn't stand it. He had a problem and there was absolutely no way to fix it. He had to lie here and know that nothing could possibly ever be okay. He had to lie here and want nothing more than to fall into a dreamless, endless sleep. And he couldn't have it. He had to lie here and hurt and wait and yearn until the end of his life.

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><p><span>The present<span>

Remus Lupin closed the fat, worn volume in front of him. He did it softly so as to not make any noise. He closed his eyes tight, in order to stop any potential emotion from leaking out beneath them. He opened them again and gave a soft smile. Good.

He got up, pushed in his chair, and left the library without taking any books or a second glance behind him. Good.

He decided against dinner and instead started to the Gryffindor Common Room. He anticipated the confrontation he thought might take place between himself and Sirius. He felt strangely nervous. He bit his lips and mindlessly offered the password to the painting in front of him.

"Hey there, Lupin," Sirius said, once Remus reached the room. His eyes were only slightly open as he raised his head from his pillow. He was surprised to see Remus sit on the edge of his bed with only the slightest hesitation. He grimaced.

"Hi Sirius," he spoke, in attempt to win the former boy's gaze. He failed. "How are you?"

"Things are good enough," he smiled lightly. Remus could have sworn he _saw_ him lie. Even though he already knew he wasn't telling the truth, he _felt_ the difficulty Sirius Black was having speaking.

Remus put his hand on his shoulder but quickly pulled it away when he noticed the boy shudder violently.

"Sorry," he said. "It's bad, isn't it?"

Sirius gave the slightest nod, but stopped himself before he spoke the words he wanted to say aloud.

_It's so bad, Remus. I don't know if I can do this for much longer. I miss you. I'm so angry and so sorry._

_I'm so sorry._


	6. Rejection, Lies, and Punishment

**Author's Note:** Here's a longer chapter. It explains some things and creates more confusion. Enjoy, and thank you very much for reviewing!

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><p><span>Before heartbreak<span>

Sirius Black had wanted him for so long. Too long. He had begged for his touch in his dreams, and he knew that in reality, he _could _have him. He was happy, longing for Remus Lupin. It gave him a sense of purpose, direction.

He had taken a little longer in the shower, and shaved his jaw a little more carefully.

During the moments he and Remus were alone, it was as if nothing else existed. The temptation to pull the other teen's lips to his own was too much. He couldn't resist.

And this particular time, he didn't.

"I want you," he said slowly, the ghost of a smile reaching his flawless mouth. He wasn't looking at Remus, well, not properly, or else he would have seen the boy shake his head.

Sirius placed his hands on both sides of Remus' face and pulled his face to his own. The latter boy closed his eyes painfully tight. It was just something he did a lot. Naturally, Sirius misinterpreted it.

For a little while, Remus let it happen. Sirius kissed him hard, ran his fingers along the length of his body. Remus let himself be held. He kissed him back.

And all was right in the world- except it wasn't. Sirius grabbed Remus roughly and Remus froze. He pulled away, and left without sparing Sirius a second glance. Sirius' mind couldn't explain what had just happened. It hurt, but not like now. Not like it was going to hurt.

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><p><span>After heartbreak<span>

The rejection becomes physically painful. Your eyes water and you realize that you really can't breathe. You realize that this is a panic attack, and suddenly nothing matters more than the air you aren't receiving. The fear of catastrophe becomes overwhelming. It takes a few minutes, sometimes tens of minutes, but once you regain a regular breathing pattern, you realize you still can't breathe.

And that you never will.

Sirius tried to refocus on the boy sitting on his bed. It was hard not to yell at him, hard not to jump into his arms, hard not to leave the room. It was hard enough to look at him, never mind consider eye contact. Lupin's pale blue eyes would be concerned, apologetic, and devastatingly gorgeous. This wasn't something that Black could handle right now. It hurt too much.

Sirius examined the boy's expression. He looked nervous, awkward even. Determination he had formerly appeared to have was gone. He was just a sad, beautiful, confused teenage boy now.

"I'm so sorry," Remus said, and he licked his lips. "I know you made mistakes, but I fucked up, Sirius. I fucked up and I can't even tell you how much." His voice was thick with a sorrow that Sirius couldn't understand. He watched Remus look away from him and at the floor. He watched him close his eyes tight, but it didn't work this time. He reopened them and thick, warm tears dripped down on each side of his face. He laughed darkly. "You see this? I cry all the time, Sirius. Over you. And I can't even tell you why. I can't, and I'm sorry."

It was hard to watch him like this; it was hard to resist the urge to comfort the werewolf.

"I think I see you now," Sirius whispered.

* * *

><p><span>The present<span>

"I don't understand!" he yelled. "It's hurting all of us, you know. And you won't even tell me what the hell is up. A month ago you were fine. A month ago we were screwing around, like always. You look like somebody took your heart, bit into it and tore you apart." He paused, apology forming on his features. "I care about you, mate. I just want to help you. I'm not used to being in the dark like this. I wish you could talk to me, but I won't force it out of you. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to spaz like that; I don't know what got into me."

"It's alright, Prongs," Sirius said. "It'll be fine, really. I feel better today than I did yesterday, and I felt better yesterday than I did two weeks ago. I'm sorry, don't know what my problem is."

The lie was comforting, because for a minute, they both believed it. For a minute it didn't matter that Sirius was worse with every passing hour, and it didn't matter that he couldn't lie forever. James and Sirius were able to quietly deceive themselves for a short while, leave the Common Room, and wander down to dinner.

* * *

><p><span>Heartbreak<span>

"God, you're amazing," he said. And he leaned in to kiss Remus, but the other boy's hand stopped him. He looked at him and waited.

Remus pulled his hand away. "Sirius, stop it. Please. I don't want this."

Sirius raised an eyebrow. He scratched the back of his neck, not entirely understanding what was going on.

"It's like I'm standing on the edge of my life," he sighed, and he stood up. "And I don't know if you're going to be here tomorrow, Sirius. I don't know if you're fucking with my head. I don't know if you're a sick, cruel bastard on purpose or if it just happens. I don't understand why you think you want me, but you don't. You stare at me like I'm nothing you've ever seen before. Like I'm something special and godlike- but you don't fucking see me. I tell you no and you don't even notice. You come in here drunk and I tell you no. You don't stop and I end up knocking you out. But not even, after all the times I've left, said no, or hurt you, have you gotten the message. You don't see me. I don't want you."

Sirius just sat there, shocked, and let himself hurt. He couldn't steady his breathing; he had been completely caught off guard. This was the boy that he was in love with. He was pretty sure that he could feel a part of him shattering into a thousand impossibly small pieces. He was pretty sure that he'd just broken, right there.

He'd been so _sure_ that he'd get what he wanted. But Remus wasn't gay and there wasn't anything he could do about it. He sat there and for a long minute and he hated all of existence, most especially Remus Lupin.

_It is a truly terrible thing to long for that which is unattainable._

Sirius got up from the armchair he had been seated in at the Common Room and headed upstairs to his dormitory. He didn't spare Remus another glance. He wasn't even sure if he was still there. He flipped open his trunk and pulled something out of a smooth metal case. He closed his trunk, walked into the boy's bathroom and threw the knife onto the floor.

He removed each article of clothing that he'd been wearing and, finally, wiped his face onto his shirt. He face was red with anguish and warm, salty tears. He turned the hot water on in the shower. Before getting in, he steadied his deep throaty sobs. He hated himself for the sound. He was so weak.

The hot water burned his cool skin and plastered his dark hair to his forehead. At least when he was soaked with the scalding liquid not even _he_ could be sure if he was crying anymore. He reached one arm out of the shower and leaned over in order to grab his knife. His stomach was thin and lightly muscled. He pressed his fingers into it hard and ran them across it. It hurt just a little bit. He flicked out the long silver blade of the knife and pressed the side of it against his smooth, muscled stomach.

"_You don't see me. I don't want you."_

It had been just minutes ago. His mind filled with a rage and sadness that just one person couldn't contain. He tilted the cold, hard blade against the wet skin of his stomach. He dragged it across the length of it, leaving a thin, white line from his left hip bone diagonally to the bottom of his ribs. He stared at it and watched it fill with a hot, red blood. He'd never seen his blood quite like this before. Clean and angry, filling the area of the cut and burning him before being washed away.

He focused on the stinging unpleasantness of the cut he had just made. It didn't hurt enough. He drew one parallel to it with another quick slash of his knife. He watched as the blood of the two leaked into one another and into the drain. He pressed the smooth metal into his upper arms, thighs and torso. Each time it stung immediately, before red drowned white and proved the hurt. For a second, as he was dragging the knife across himself, he could focus only on how much it hurt, the cut. His head rushed briefly and drowned out everything else, just for one second.

* * *

><p><span>The present<span>

Sirius tossed and turned in the wee hours of the morning. He pulled his crimson duvet up high over his head, keeping himself hidden, and making him as alone as he felt. The memories made his heart hurt. They were too fresh, stung too much. He could feel the cuts as he thought of them. He couldn't decide if he regretted it or not. It made sense to him, but it made him feel deeply disgusted. It served as an unhealthy, temporary distraction, but it was so pathetic. He decided it served as a punishment for his arrogance and his stupidity.

_What a waste_, he thought. _I am such a waste._


	7. Nightmares and Intimacy

**Author's Note**: Hope you're enjoying it so far. Let me know if you are or if there's anything I could work on. Thanks for the reviews so far! This entire chapter is in the present.

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><p><span>The present<span>

Remus Lupin's eyes shot open. He could feel sweat dripping down each side of his face. Or was he crying? He couldn't be sure. He pored through vivid dream images, and tried to relax whilst reassuring himself that, once again, none of it had happened. The destruction, anger, and the decaying results: they never took place. Not ever. He wiped his sleeve across his face, before stuffing his face into his pillow.

He'd killed him again. It happened every night.

_The werewolf snarled. There was no recognition and no control. Except there was, this time. Lupin glared. The boy in front of him looked terrified beyond what a human was capable of feeling. Lupin wanted him dead. In this dream, he knew it was Sirius Black standing in front of him. He knew, and he hated him for it. Slowly, he closed in on him. The boy couldn't do a thing. Carefully, cruelly, he ripped him apart._

Remus stifled a whimper. He knew how it would have felt to rip the flesh off of who he had just weeks ago considered his best friend. He knew what it was like to kill someone he loved- someone he had kissed and held and longed to touch.

It was unsettling to think that in reality he really had killed him... perhaps not in werewolf form and perhaps not physically. However, he had torn him apart. He could see it every day.

Lupin's heartbeat slowed to a more natural pace and he then rolled over. He allowed self-resentment to fill him and consume every part of his being. This was not the start to a very good day.

However, it was the same start to every day. He would not be sleeping any more tonight. He would wait- and hate- until the appropriate time for rising would come. A lot of him wondered if anyone had heard him in his sleep.

Most of him just wondered if Sirius was awake too.

* * *

><p>Sirius rinsed the razor. He covered his cheeks, chin, and jaw. He buried them in fluffy, white shaving cream. It stung the open cuts on his lips. He didn't care.<p>

Carelessly, he tossed the blade across his face and then held it under the warm water pouring out of the tap. He ran it lightly across the flesh of his neck. Sirius wondered what it would feel like to press it harder, to make himself bleed until he didn't have to _be_ any longer.

He was willing to bet it would feel pretty awful and then it wouldn't feel like anything at all.

Before he could test this belief, he watched a light brown-haired teen enter the restroom, from the mirror in front of him. He watched him say hello and not receive a response. He watched him turn on the sink next to his own and splash cool water on his face. He watched him remove his shirt and underwear. He felt himself tense up, allowing himself to believe for just a second that Remus would now approach him, hold him, touch _him_.

Instead, wordlessly, Remus turned on the water in the shower and got in. Sirius sighed, but first, he could have sworn he heard the former boy sob. He could have sworn.

He washed his poorly shaved face and left. He wished he could have showered with him. He imagined Remus' warm skin pressed against his own, their lips devouring one another, hands ravaging the other's body.

And then he figuratively woke up and tried to get on with the day.

* * *

><p>The day was long and yet it was like it had never happened. It was as if he had never woken up, as if classes had never taken place. Sirius couldn't remember it even though it wasn't over yet. He was cold and unfeeling.<p>

Except he wasn't. He was terribly human. He ached, a whole lot, most of the time. His intense blue-grey eyes stung at the best of times. He let sadness consume him. He let himself be the tragic, pathetic, self-pitying, teenager that he knew he was. What else was he to do?

_It was like the world was on fire._

He was trapped; his lungs were filled with an oxygen that did not allow proper breathing. His mind was filled with a panic that could not be calmed. He wanted to cry out, to say goodbye to the boy he would die for. To kiss him for the last time, to hold him, knowing, that he would be dead within minutes.

But he couldn't do that, as he would not be dead within minutes. It would take years, and would be no catastrophe. He would waste away, perhaps his pain would settle with a mere dull ache. He quite suddenly felt a strong urge to get up and push his silver blade deep into the flesh of his chest.

He longed to break his own heart.

Sirius eased into thoughts of Remus Lupin. How strange it had all been. He'd kissed Remus on multiple occasions.

He'd been kissed back, some of the times.

_If he was so _damn_sure about not wanting me_, Sirius thought. _Then why had he allowed me to hold him? Why had he brushed my lips with his soft tongue?_

The considerations did not bring hope and they did not bring relief. They brought only confusion and discomfort.

He wished he could just not care. As if he had a say. As if he cared by choice. As if he wanted to look at the handsome, wreck of a boy every day in class, and every day at lunch. As if he could pretend he didn't hurt.

Every night that he didn't sleep he was haunted by images of his beautiful, blue-eyed, heartbreaker. Some nights he yelled at him, some he kissed him fiercely. It was all very hard to bear, and every night he so badly wished he had the privilege of crawling into Remus' bed. How perfect it would be to absorb the teen's warmth and to make the other boy's bad dreams meaningless. He was certain that this privilege would allow him sleep, but that it was also impossible to attain.

He absolutely could not understand why Remus had apologized to _him._ He could not understand his strange behavior or his pain, but Sirius knew of it. He truly believed that he now saw him as he was, and not as he seemed. He was deeply troubled, Sirius knew, but he also was aware that he could not make a difference towards the matter.

_I don't want you,_ he had said.

Sirius realized that the classroom was no longer filled with students. He had entirely forgotten that this was where he had been. He quickly stood up, gathered his things, and then stopped. Remus was sitting in front of him, head on his desk. He was fast asleep, and the professor was absent. Hate consumed him for having the thoughts he did. Firstly, he wanted to put his hands down Remus' shirt in order to feel his smooth, muscled stomach. He then wanted to suck the boy's neck and reach down the front of his pants, hardening both of their dicks. He wanted to ravage his body, taking all of it to sate his needs.

"Fuck my life," he spoke angrily. "Remus, mate, get up." Gently, he shook the boy's shoulder. The feeling of contentment and warmth surprised him. God I am such a waste. Such a waste, he thought repeatedly. "Moony," he spoke.

"Ah, sorry," Remus mumbled, raising, and turning his head in order to get a good look at Sirius. The latter boy quickly removed his hand from his shoulder. "I'm sorry you had to wake me... didn't at all mean to fall asleep."

"S'all right," he said quietly, his dark eyes flashed rapidly to and away from the other boy's tired, blue eyes. They looked more grey than blue today. "You don't sleep well, do you?"

"Not particularly... but neither do you." Remus licked his dry lips and rubbed his eyes and face. Sirius watched him.

"I sometimes do," he lied.

"Sirius, I hear you," Remus gave him a disapproving stare, trying to steal his eye contact. "You clear your throat, you get up, and you toss all night. It's a shame really, have you tried potions?"

"They... well, I suppose they don't work well on me. My body doesn't cope well." He felt awkward, especially since he was tall and standing and the other boy was not. He suddenly had a strong urge to leave. He would not spare the boy seated in the chair in front of him a second glance. Except he didn't budge. The second urge he felt was to place his thumb and first finger on Remus' chin and pull it towards his own. When Remus suddenly stood up it surprised him enough to take a step backwards even though he wasn't all that close.

"I know what you mean. They actually make me throw up, sleeping potions. Pathetic, really. I guess it's my weak stomach. And then I get nightmares." he shuddered visibly, and began to pack up his quills and parchment. He thought about the strange urge he felt, and wondered if he really was the monster in his dream. Maybe he really wanted to kill him.

Sirius had no response. He didn't want to leave anymore. He just wanted to listen to Remus talk. "Er, Moony? Can you keep talking?" Remus raised an eyebrow.

"Well, yeah. I'm not going to lie, I do miss speaking with you." Sirius looked away, firstly towards the door and then at the floor beneath him. "Sorry. Not just for... I really am so sorry, Sirius. So sorry."

"Why are you so goddamn sorry?" asked Sirius, suddenly angry. "It doesn't make any fucking sense. I don't understand anything you say to me. I don't know why you're such a wreck, all the time. I'm the one who pursued _you._ I did things you didn't want me to. I'm all wrong for you. And you know what the worst part about it is? I still want you. I want you so badly that it hurts. It fucking hurts, Remus."

The other boy winced, and closed his eyes tightly. Sirius had a pretty good idea of why he did this now. He suddenly felt very guilty for what he'd just said. "I- sorry, I'm sorry Remus. I should have kept that to myself. I know you have your reasons. Sorry."

"I do, but it's my fault. The apology should be mine," he whispered. He stared at the ebony-haired teen's pained eyes. Sirius mumbled something incoherent and raised eyes to reach Remus'. And like that, they stood and stared for at least a minute. Sirius just stared, dazed, and he knew he'd pay for it tonight when he couldn't sleep. He knew this moment would hurt him as soon as it was over.

Remus bit his lip and ran a hand through his tangled brown hair. He felt the urge he had before, but this time he realized that it wasn't to hurt Sirius.

It was to get closer to him.

They were so close it could have been nauseating for the both of them had they been with any other human beings. Sirius did not try to hide the clear longing drawn all across his face. He could hear, feel, smell, Remus breathing. There was an intimacy in standing here with him, so alone, that made him freeze. He shifted uncomfortably.

He had been known to feel the arousal he felt at this very moment when in company of the boy here. "I don't understand," he whispered. "I don't..."

He couldn't speak; he stopped himself just as his lips brushed Remus'. He froze, "I'm really fucking so-"

But Remus rammed into him. He kissed him hard. He wasn't gentle, he was rough and desperate and longing. Sirius could feel the need attached to his actions. He also felt his own need and pleasure. This was a part of what he'd longed for.

It was everything.

He could taste Remus' warm, dry lips against his own. He bit the other boy's lip and allowed access for his tongue. His hands wandered below his waist. Desire consumed him. There was something about this urgency, this desperation, in the deserted classroom, that made him, literally, _throb_ with need.

Remus held him more tightly than either of them had ever been held before. This was like nothing either boy had ever felt; for a second Sirius really believed he felt an electric current shoot up his spine. Remus pushed Sirius and himself on a nearby desk, and took all that he could from him. He opened his eyes and paused suddenly, so Sirius did the same.

Remus' lips pulled away and he shuddered slightly, his blue eyes wide with fear, "Fucker! I am such a stupid fucker. God damn. I am so sorry."

Without another word, he left. Sirius felt a mix of extreme confusion and hurt. The excitement and magic he'd felt just seconds ago was gone like lightning and he had to put all he had into not breaking down. Sirius could not comprehend this strange behavior. He felt vulnerable and he felt cheated.

_Fuck my life_, thought Sirius Black. _This is so unfair. What did I do to deserve this bullshit?_


	8. Mistakes and Understanding

**A/N**: Your reviews have made me very happy. Thanks! I hope you enjoy this chapter and let me know what you think.

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><p><em>You're all wrong for me. You don't see me. You have no idea what's going on in my head and you never ask. You're too fucking concerned about you.<em>

This is what Remus told the Sirius in his mind that confronted him, because the real one didn't. Sirius was too sad and too self-centered to understand or ask or try to be what Remus needed.

_I'm all wrong for you. I kill you in my sleep and I do it on purpose. What the fuck is wrong with me? I'm a terrifying monster and I'm in love with you but I'm a real threat that can never be with someone._

This is what Remus said to the Sirius in his mind when he wasn't angry or feeling resentment. Remus resented Sirius often for being impulsive and inconsiderate. When Sirius was angry, more often than not he said what he felt and he didn't censor a thing. It could be hurtful, and Sirius was bad at apologies. It was hard empathize with him sometimes, as Remus was so different.

They couldn't be together, plain and simple... although, emotionally it was not so simple. Most of Remus had accepted the fact that he was truly alone and that all he could hope for was the company of friends. He knew he was too dangerous to be truly close to someone. It was impossible; there were far too many risks and Remus could not live with himself if he were to hurt Sirius.

But he got tempted. He could see every day that he had already hurt Sirius more than Sirius had ever been hurt before.

He'd made more than one mistake with Sirius. His friends had already done so much for him.

Sirius would do anything for him and he wanted to let it happen. But he'd already fucked up so badly.

Remus was hiding in the library, trying to distract himself with schoolwork so that he didn't have to think. However, the confrontation with Sirius was too fresh. He was too emotional for weak distractions like textbooks and essays.

He wanted to be a better friend. He wanted to be honest. He wanted to let himself be loved.

But it wasn't going to happen. He'd fucked up once before and he couldn't let it happen again. He was dangerous. He'd also made the mistake of letting himself think he and Sirius could be together. He needed to stop confusing and torturing Sirius so that Sirius could move on and obtain the love he deserved elsewhere.

Remus held his face in his hands. He could never tell his friends what he had done. He couldn't tell anyone. He'd terrify them, despite what they'd say. They spent every full moon with him in their animagus forms. They risked their lives once a month. Even heartbroken, depressed Sirius Black who could barely look at Remus during the daytime, had not missed the last full moon.

His friends may have been reckless teenage boys, but they still valued their lives. They couldn't know.

* * *

><p>"Knight to E5," said Peter, focusing intently on the pieces. James and Peter were playing Wizard's Chess. "So, what's your theory, mate?"<p>

"It's not a theory, exactly," said James, thinking hard about what he was saying. "I know there's something between them. I know they're more involved than they're going to admit... and I know it's not going well... Rook to B9."

"Do you reckon they're, you know, dating or something?"

"I don't think they're dating. They barely speak with one another. But I know that look from Remus, he sometimes gives it to Sirius... I've seen it from Lily. I think they're fighting, or broken up, or something... they're both pissed."

"Queen to F4... checkmate," boasted Peter. "You think they love each other?"

"Yeah," said James quietly. "I also think they've created an absolute mess and they can't deal with it. I've never seen Sirius like this. He's always pretending with me and he avoids us constantly. He never sleeps." James leaned back in his armchair thoughtfully.

"So, what do we do?" asked Peter. He scratched the back of his neck and then looked up to James, who looked solemn.

"I think we do what we've been doing. Be there for them. Yell at them when they need it. No point in nosing around in their business... but, make sure Sirius doesn't do anything stupid."

"Yeah. Impulsive bastard. Guess that's all we can do, is be there."

* * *

><p>After the initial confusion, Sirius Black was angry and then sad. After feeling sad for an hour or so, he just felt tired. Tired of Remus' strange behaviour and tired of feeling so unhappy. He was tired of lying, tired of himself, and tired of feeling tired.<p>

He felt so disconnected. He needed resolution. He hated the depressive he'd become.

He had to find Remus.

When Charms class finally ended, he slammed his textbook shut and left immediately. Sirius had a feeling Remus was hiding in the library – not because he was a complete bookworm, but because he needed distraction and the ability to avoid Sirius at the same time. Naturally, Sirius tried there first.

He was not surprised to find Remus there, in the back, with his nose in a book. His hair was especially disastrous and he stared at the same page for a good two minutes before Sirius interrupted.

"Moony," addressed Sirius. The brown haired boy jumped slightly, clearly startled, and turned around.

"Oh, hey."

"What the fuck, Lupin? What's going on?" demanded Sirius. He didn't care that he was in the library.

"Please don't yell. We can talk, let's just get out of here," whispered Remus. Sirius obliged and the two left the library. They wandered through hallways in silence for a few moments until they found somewhere deserted where they could sit.

"What were you doing in there?" asked Sirius, although he thought he might know the answer.

"I don't know. Escaping from myself... and everybody else. But I couldn't focus anyway, so I guess I wasn't really escaping," said Remus. He looked at Sirius and the mess he'd created in him. He took in his pain and dishevelled appearance. He sighed and bit his lip.

"I'm so confused," said Sirius quietly. "I don't understand."

"I'm sorry."

"Sorry doesn't mean anything to me, Remus. It doesn't save me from losing sleep," said Sirius, trying his best to remain calm. "You've fucked with my head right, left, and center. I screwed up, but I still deserve explanation. Why've you kissed me and left? I know something's going on. If it's my fault I want to fix it."

"I can't... I don't know how. I know you deserve to know," Remus mumbled. He suddenly looked extremely uncomfortable. He ran his fingers through his hair and looked up at Sirius. "Sirius... I fucked up."

"Fucked up how?"

"Last... last summer," Remus shuddered. It was November now. He was referring to five months ago. He closed his eyes tight. "Full moon. I was at home. We... miscalculated. Went away for a trip and didn't get back home in time. We were only a few minutes late... it was my fault. I didn't get to the basement in time. I... I might've killed her, my mum." Remus started to cry. He could hardly believe he was speaking these words aloud. He barely let himself think about this, least of all think of telling someone. Sirius wrapped an arm around him. "She's been at St. Mungo's in a coma since June. She might die... she might've t-turned, we don't know... fuck."

Sirius knew he didn't have anything to say that could help. He understood a little now. He simply held Remus while he cried. For once, he tried to be what Remus needed – for Remus' sake.


	9. Need and Anxiety

**A/N:** Suffering through a whole lot of course readings and a touch of writer's block. Apologies for the lateness.

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><p>The days following Remus' explanation, the two were civil to one another. Sirius decided not to pressure him.<p>

Sirius thought that maybe he could understand now. Maybe he could convince Remus it wasn't his fault. Maybe he could be what Remus needed.

He was very hopeful, and this scared him.

However, there's an undeniable comfort in hoping. Sirius lay awake in bed that night. He couldn't sleep, but he wasn't angry, wasn't particularly sad; he had too much to think about for sleep, but he was feeling optimistic. He put a hand behind his head and listened to Remus, on the other side of the room, quietly toss and turn. He was asleep and probably having bad dreams.

Sirius wanted badly to be able to comfort him. He wanted to show that he could do it unselfishly. Remus had not voiced Sirius' selfishness, but he had a feeling he had certainly recognized it. Sirius was determined to be good to him and try to overcome his own weakness.

He lay in bed for an hour or two more before Remus woke himself up. He woke up breathing hard, but he would not have been noticeable if Sirius hadn't been listening. Sirius took a deep breath and walked over to the other boy's bed.

"Are you okay?" he whispered.

Remus didn't answer, but in the dark he searched for Sirius' arm and pulled him onto his bed and under the covers. Sirius closed the curtains around the bed. He held Remus whose heart steadied quickly. Sirius fell asleep properly for the first time in a long time, and Remus continued to sleep badly, but when he woke, he welcomed the calming warm body his friend had so readily offered.

* * *

><p>When Remus woke, Sirius' arm was wrapped around his torso. Sirius was still asleep. He snored softly. Remus gently rolled over, so as to get a better look at him. He ran a finger along Sirius' lightly stubbled jaw line, who then laughed quietly in his sleep, and muttered something incomprehensible. He was beautiful and he looked so happy. Remus didn't know what to do.<p>

He'd been so sure just days ago that this couldn't happen. However, it was so tempting... and it was what they both wanted.

Remus argued with himself for about fifteen minutes before accepting that right now, his friend, with whom he was very much in love, was currently immovably asleep next to him. Tired, but not in a way that would allow him to fall back asleep, Remus closed his eyes and enjoyed what he so badly needed until the other boy woke.

* * *

><p>Sirius woke up happy. He squeezed Remus tight and grinned at him. Remus smiled and pretended to squirm in protest.<p>

"How do you feel?" asked Sirius. He propped his head up on his elbow and examined the teen that kept him up most nights. Remus' eyes flickered to Sirius' and then away.

"I'm having a hard time defining it to myself, to be honest," said Remus seriously. He hoped Sirius could understand. "I just... feel so warm. But a part of my mind keeps telling me this can't happen. I don't know." Sirius nodded slowly. He swallowed.

"I feel ready to be what you need," said Sirius quietly, looking away. The vulnerability he felt bothered him, but he continued, "I know you think you can't be with someone. And I know you think I'm wrong for you too. But we both know we can be careful to the extent of ridiculousness. And I can learn how to treat you right. I can wait, too. I can wait until you're ready and if you never are, then I can be your friend, if that's what you need."

Sirius paused and then challenged himself to look up at Remus. When he did, their eyes locked and they both knew: they needed one another in the crucial, self-defining way that is so rare and so necessary to the human experience, that both no longer had a choice in the matter. They could force themselves to suffer and yearn, but eventually, they would end up here, in this bed. They had the kind of power over one another that they could either oppose or empower, but that they could never dismiss.

* * *

><p>Remus wrote his father often. They exchanged a couple letters each week. These correspondences mainly revolved around his father's work at the Ministry of Magic and Remus' school life, but the underlying messages were all related to Remus' mother's condition. Remus blamed himself for her state; however, his father blamed himself for both his wife's condition and Remus' lycanthropy. Mr. Lupin put up a strong front, but he was a very intelligent wizard who cared deeply for his family. Ever since Remus had been bitten by Fenrir Greyback, Mr. Lupin had been deeply invested in his work as a potioneer for the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures, which allowed him to investigate a cure for his son, and now, possibly his wife.<p>

Remus and his parents had always had a mutual respect that may be considered uncommon among teenagers. This may have been due partially to both Remus' maturity and his lycanthropy, as the latter had meant he'd grown incredibly grateful for their sacrifices and patience with him.

Remus did not visit his mother in the hospital often. He justified this by reminding himself she was not conscious and would not miss his presence, but the truth was that going there made him miserable. Each week following a visit would send him down a spiral of self-loathing and regret. He got to see the scars he'd inflicted and the condition he'd caused. Her beautiful face was ruined by a scratch mark Remus himself had given her. He could see exactly what he had done to a person he loved more than anything and he couldn't stand it. He knew he deserved the way he felt, but he still tried to avoid it. He knew that this was something he was going to have to live with for the rest of his life and it was killing him – so he distracted himself.

Remus and his father had lied about the event. They'd had to. They claimed she had been attacked by a werewolf while camping. Despite the fact this was suspicious due to both Remus' visit to the hospital many years prior and Mr. Lupin's profession, the Healers hadn't questioned it. They needed the cause, but not the details.

They couldn't tell most people that Remus had attacked his mother because they could not be sure what would happen to him. However, Remus could not tell the Marauders about the event because he was terrified of losing them if they learned how dangerous he truly was.

Remus had shocked himself by telling Sirius and he now felt terrified. What if Sirius left? What if he didn't leave? The relief Remus felt in sharing his burden was no match for the fear.

The part of Remus' mind that was flooded with intense anxiety and regret, the part that he worked to distract himself from daily, was the part that continued to tell him that he and Sirius could never be together.


End file.
